Couples Therapy with Parents of Young Children

Over the course of my career, I’ve gravitated towards relationship support more than almost any other area of psychology.

Time and time again, I’ve noticed that secure, fulfilling and meaningful relationships buffer people against hardship. While they don’t eliminate stress, grief or adversity, relationships often determine how well we cope with them.

Even in my work with individuals, I find myself drawn to understanding my clients’ relationships. Rather than viewing struggles in isolation, I’m interested in exploring how our earliest attachment experiences continue to shape the way we experience intimacy, conflict, trust and connection in adulthood.

It was perhaps inevitable that this interest would lead me into couples therapy. Being able to combine my passion for relationships with my interest in Schema Therapy felt like a natural progression, and I completed additional training in Schema Therapy for Couples. I might write a separate article about Schema Therapy for Couples another time because it’s a fascinating approach in its own right. For now, I want to reflect on something much broader.

Before I began working with couples, I wondered whether the work would involve spending my days sitting between two people locked in conflict. While managing disagreement is certainly part of couples therapy, that hasn’t been my overwhelming experience.

Instead, I’ve found myself sitting with couples who genuinely love one another but are struggling to navigate the pressures of modern life. Demanding careers. Young children. Household responsibilities. Financial pressures. The invisible mental load. And somehow, amidst all of that, trying to hold onto the friendship, playfulness and connection that first brought them together.

Recently I’ve been working with a lot of couples raising young children. It’s one of the most rewarding chapters of life, but also one of the biggest challenges for a relationship. I can speak from experience as my husband and I currently navigate raising our own two young children together!

Before I go any further, I want to reassure my clients that this reflection is not about any particular couple or therapy experience. The observations below come from broader patterns I’ve noticed across many relationships, alongside my own experience of early parenthood.

My hope isn’t simply to normalise how difficult this stage can be, but to help distinguish between the very real pressures that many healthy relationships experience, and the relationship patterns that deserve closer attention.

What Early Parenthood Has Taught Me About Relationships

If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that becoming parents doesn’t just change your daily routine, it changes your relationship in ways many couples don’t anticipate.

Pregnancy is often filled with excitement, anticipation and a feeling of shared purpose. Then, almost overnight, life becomes all about feeding schedules, dirty nappies, interrupted sleep, household responsibilities, and trying to juggle work, friendships and your relationship. It’s one of life’s most intense and demanding transitions.

During this stage, the relationship can quietly move down the priority list. Not because couples stop loving one another, but because they’re usually running on low battery mode, with barely any sleep or emotional resources.

By the end of the day, many parents are just trying to survive. When you’ve spent the day caring for a young child - being touched, needed and interrupted, it’s understandable that what you really crave is a few moments where nobody needs anything from you. Finding the energy to turn towards your partner with curiosity, affection and playfulness can feel next to impossible.

We stop having fun together

One of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed is that couples often stop doing the very things that helped them feel connected before they became parents.They stop having fun together. Not intentionally. Nobody decides that connection isn’t important anymore but instead it just becomes more difficult to create the emotional space for it. Conversations become about logistics instead of shared interests. Does baby need a feed? Has the nap been long enough? Has it gone on too long? Evenings become about catching up on chores or collapsing into bed. Weekends revolve around children’s routines rather than adventures, hobbies or spontaneous moments together.

Many couples underestimate just how important these seemingly small moments of enjoyment are. They are often viewed as optional extras that can wait until life settles down. In reality, they are some of the very experiences that help protect a relationship during periods of stress.

The quiet build-up of resentment

Another pattern I’ve frequently observed is the quiet build-up of resentment.

For many couples I’ve worked with so far, despite entering parenthood with every intention of sharing responsibilities equally, couples often find themselves drifting towards distinct roles. One partner frequently becomes the primary breadwinner, while the other carries much of the invisible mental load required in raising a young child: remembering appointments, restocking nappies and wipes, organising childcare, anticipating needs before they arise, and keeping the household functioning.

Generally both people feel like they’re doing more than their fair share. It’s important to note that this isn’t because either partner lacks empathy or appreciation, it’s more about perspective - we experience the full weight of our own responsibilities, while only seeing part of our partner’s. Our own effort is constant and visible. Our partner’s is usually happening somewhere else, at a different time, or in ways we don’t notice.

Without intending to, couples can start keeping a mental scorecard of what they’re contributing. Over time appreciation gives way to comparison, comparison gives way to criticism, and criticism erodes away goodwill.

Communication changes

When time is limited, conversations naturally become shorter and more transactional.

Sensitive discussions that used to happen over dinner or during a long drive now have to happen between feeding baby, getting dinner ready and getting everyone out the door.

Misunderstandings become more likely, not because couples have suddenly become bad communicators, but because they’re trying to have emotionally significant conversations while they’re exhausted, distracted and emotionally depleted.

Small hurts that used to be repaired quickly get left unspoken and over time, they start to stack on top of each other.

Intimacy often changes too

Many couples worry when physical intimacy or sex becomes less frequent after having children. It’s easy to interpret this as evidence that something is wrong with the relationship.

In reality, for many parents this is an entirely understandable response to physical exhaustion, emotional depletion and the constant demands of caring for a young child. This is particularly true for parents who spend much of the day physically caring for an infant. The need for personal space can sometimes outweigh the desire for physical closeness. It doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of love or attraction. More often, it just reflects the reality of this chapter of life.

Perhaps the question isn’t whether intimacy has changed, but how intimacy might need to look different while raising young children.

So what can couples do?

When couples come to therapy, they often ask me the same question:

“How do we reconnect when we barely have enough time or energy to get through the day?”

Unfortunately, there isn’t a simple answer. Simply telling couples to “make more time for each other” usually misses the point. Most parents aren’t failing because they haven’t gone on enough date nights. They’re trying to navigate one of the most demanding life chapters with limited emotional resources. Instead, I often encourage couples to think differently about connection.

Adjust your expectations. Your relationship doesn’t need to look exactly like it did before children. This chapter of life is different, and it’s okay if connection looks different too.

Notice what your partner is carrying. We naturally see our own effort more clearly than our partner’s. Making a conscious effort to acknowledge each other’s contributions can help nip resentment in the bud before it grows.

Express appreciation often. A simple “Thank you for doing that,” or “I noticed how much you did today,” can go so much further than people realise. Feeling seen is one of our deepest relational needs.

Repair misunderstandings early. Small disappointments don’t usually end relationships. It’s the accumulation of unrepaired hurts that gradually creates distance between partners.

Protect moments of enjoyment. Rather than waiting until life settles down or for the perfect date night, look for opportunities to genuinely enjoy each other’s company in whatever way feels realistic. A shared laugh, genuine curiosity about each other’s day, or ten minutes talking about something other than children can sometimes do more for a relationship than another conversation about what needs fixing.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s helping your relationship continue to feel like a place of warmth and safety, even while navigating one of life’s busiest chapters.

When it’s more than the stress of parenthood

Everything I’ve described previously in this article is intended to normalise many of the challenges that couples can face during early parenthood.

Feeling disconnected. Having less intimacy. Finding yourselves arguing more. Feeling resentful. Wondering whether you’ve lost the relationship you once had.

These experiences are incredibly common, and importantly they don’t necessarily mean your relationship is failing. But it is equally important not to swing too far in the other direction.

Not every relationship difficulty should be explained away as “just having young children.” Some relationship dynamics go beyond the challenges of early parenthood and require a different conversation altogether. Patterns of family violence, coercive control, emotional abuse, physical abuse or persistent neglect are not simply part of the parenting journey. They require careful assessment, support and, above all, attention to safety.

The most difficult part of my work is not people asking about situations that are obviously unsafe, it’s when I’m asked about more nuanced situations and dynamics, like:

“They’ve never hit me, but…”

“Would most people think this is okay?”

“Am I expecting too much?”

“Is this just what relationships become after children?”

These questions don’t have simple answers. If you’re questioning whether a particular pattern is healthy, safe or respectful, that’s worth exploring with a psychologist or another trusted mental health professional. Not because someone else can tell you whether to stay or leave, but because they can help you understand your own circumstances, clarify your values and make decisions that are informed rather than driven by fear, guilt or uncertainty.

The goal of this article is to reassure couples that early parenthood places extraordinary pressure on relationships. It is not to suggest that every relationship can, or should, simply wait for the storm to pass. Knowing the difference is one of the most important conversations we can have.