How do you get over a break-up?

Coping with the end of a relationship can be challenging, even when you know it is in your best interest. As you adapt to a breakup, there are actions you can take to facilitate your own healing and pursue happiness. Sometimes seeking the help of a therapist is lead to a sense of relief and help you to progress through the difficult grief journey.

Why is dealing with a break-up so hard?

Dealing with a break-up can be challenging for several reasons, both emotional and psychological. Individuals form strong emotional attachments to their partners. A break-up disrupts this attachment, leading to a sense of loss, which is not only about the ex partner, but also the shared experiences, future plans, and the role the relationship played in shaping one’s daily life. It is therefore normal and expected to experience difficult and painful emotions associated with grief.

The process of grieving often consists of five main stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People may not necessarily go through all of these stages, or go through them in a linear fashion, and they might experience various emotions associated with each stage.

• Denial: Initially, there might be a sense of disbelief or denial that the relationship has truly ended. You may hold firm to the belief that your ex is jut going through a tough time and they will realise that they made a mistake soon enough. You may spend a lot of time checking your ex’s social media in an effort to stay close to them and/or to check whether they have moved on with their life. This can serve as a defense mechanism to protect oneself from the immediate emotional impact.
• Anger: As the reality of the break-up sets in, feelings of anger can arise. This anger may be directed towards your ex-partner, yourself, or even external factors contributing to the end of the relationship.
• Bargaining: Some people may try to negotiate with themselves or their ex-partner, attempting to find ways to reverse or salvage the relationship. This stage often involves a sense of desperation and a quest for answers.
• Depression: Feelings of deep sadness and despair are common during the depression stage. This is a crucial phase where you may grapple with the full weight of the emotional impact and the implications for your life. It is common to withdraw from family, friends and daily activities, seeking the safety and comfort of familiar environments.
• Acceptance: The final stage involves coming to terms with the reality of the break-up and finding a way to move forward. Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean immediate happiness, but it signifies a willingness to embrace the new chapter and focus on personal growth. It is common to reach acceptance only to go back to a different stage of grief.

What can you do?

It is important to understand that these stages are a normal part of healing. Navigating the aftermath of a breakup requires a mindful and compassionate approach to self-care. Firstly, it is important to understand that few people will handle a breakup with utmost grace and composure and to simply forgive yourself for any behaviours that you may not be proud of. However, it is also important to understand that certain patterns, such as regular and prolonged social media checking, or isolation from your loved ones, may keep you stuck.

There are some things that you can do to break through the stuckness. You can begin by nurturing yourself daily, incorporating calming activities such as meditation, exercise, yoga, or journaling into your routine. Actively listen to your needs, recognizing the importance of saying ‘no’ when necessary and understanding that your requirements may fluctuate. Accept the natural flow of emotions during the healing process, acknowledging that it is not a linear journey. Establishing a new routine can bring structure and comfort to your life, providing stability during this period of change. Prioritise your health, focusing on fundamental self-care practices such as sufficient sleep, proper nutrition, and regular exercise. Finally, embrace the opportunity to explore new interests and activities that bring joy and fulfillment.

I do all that, why am I still struggling?

Sometimes our personal ‘baggage’ can make the grief process a little more complicated. The way that we see ourselves, the world, and the people around us can have a significant impact on our ability to process a relationship breakdown. These emotional wounds typically originate in our childhood and are perpetuated throughout our lives. Below are some examples of vulnerabilities and how they play out during a break up.

• Abandonment: It is common for a break up to trigger feelings of abandonment. If on the other hand deep down you hold onto the belief that everyone will eventually leave you, a break up can confirm this belief, reminding you that you are and always will be all alone. In turn this realisation can cause panic, along with feelings of helplessness, despair, loneliness, worthlessness etc.
• Defectiveness/Worthlessness: It is common for a break-up to lead to intense feelings of worthlessness if you already struggle with low self-worth. A relationship can even help bolster self esteem and when it breaks down these feelings come rushing back to the surface. You are then forced to struggle with this sense of defectiveness alongside your grief, and potentially even a sense that you will never be able to find someone who will love you.
• Mistrust: A breakup may trigger you underlying sense of mistrust leading you to see everyone around you as untrustworthy and/or dangerous. When no one can be trusted with you feelings, you are likely to isolate yourself, leading to a sense of emotional depravation and loneliness.

People usually develop a range of strategies to cope with these very distressing experiences early in their lives. Do you avoiding certain thoughts, feelings or memories? Or do you instead rationalise the situation? Perhaps you tend to deny the intensity of your feelings? Do you control your painful experinces by controlling your environment and people around you? In the short term these ways of dealing with your distress can produce some relief, however long term they tend to make things worse because they don’t deal with the source of the problem.

How can therapy help?

People often seek our therapy in the aftermath of a breakup. They feel a lot of emotional pain and long for a safe space to process their feelings and to be heard and understood. A therapist will guide you through the grief process, helping to normalise your emotional experinces and identify any patterns that may not be helping you towards healing. They will also teach you tools and strategies to help you to overcome your stuck points.

It is common for therapy started following a break up to lead to deeper therapeutic work to address the emotional wounds that become apparent. Psychotherapy can help you to understand why you have these vulnerabilities and highlight unhelpful patterns of coping with them. You can embark on the journey of healing from these wounds and enjoy healthier, happier and more satisfying intimate relationships in the future.